Fucking cereal cafe

Melbourne's first cereal cafe is opening and I hope a madman enters and hacks everyone to death. Unless I've got it wrong and it's a serial cafe where each visit ends on a cliffhanger and you have to come back the following week to see what happens next. Melbourne is full of hipster scum who deserve to die and on some days I'm one of them. I want to open a cafe called Grumpy Owner where I bitch to the enthralled customers about Melbourne's proliferation of precious fuckwits into nonsensical shit. They go forever so it would be a sustainable business so 5 fucking eco stars to fucking me.

Oh god I hate. A cereal cafe? This is what happens when you tell young people they can be whatever they want to be. You know what young people want to be? Eating fucking cereal. What the fuck do you talk about in a cereal cafe? Or do you watch cartoons and fight over the remote control. In your pyjamas. You total sperm balloons.

I will kill you all. That's another idea for a business. It's an app and when you are walking along Smith St Collingwood reading a fucking Penguin as if there aren't suffering indigenous folks sitting right there it suddenly occurs to you that "I am a piece of shit" and you access your app, which summons me and I look into your eyes searching for anything real, find nothing and cave your skull in with a brick.

Of course a madman won't work his way through the line at cereal cafe, methodically removing hands from paperbacks and faces from facial expressions you only see on consumers of bullshit. Why? Madmen are not community minded. Even more upsetting, if you go near a line of waiting hipsters you also become a full blown wanker.

Well, gotta get on with my day. Don't drink plenty of water, turns out that's bullshit too.

Tickets to my "hilarious"comedy show







Comments

  1. JojoFebruary 5, 2015 at 2:47 AM

    Could Melbourne get any more peak fucked? The depths of shit-cuntery seem to have not been plumbed. I

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sean BedlamFebruary 5, 2015 at 6:16 PM

      I reckon it will get a lot worse before it gets much worse, after which it will get worse. The Worsening is upon us.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

They Continue To Do So

My girlfriend woke me and I rushed into the other room and as I watched a plane fly into a building I thought, what's the story with morning television? How benighted are motherfuckers if they simply have the TV on, just on, just there spouting drivel into a private living space, a space where you are not required by law to listen to strangers dibbling shit or watch them smile like money is being fired into all their holes? People will cry their eyes out at whatever tragedy is slipped into them by experts. People will also avoid reflection on weighty matters. Hey people, the inside of your head will not give you AIDS if you touch it. (The TV was on because news radio was alerting the world that there was great footage to stroke to. Yes, we listen to news radio in the morning because we are superior beings. Kneel, dogs.) As the buildings collapsed I thought, I mean, are people that scared of having an original thought that they have to crowd out any possibility of a clue arriving
Read more

RIP Gough Whitlam

Gough Whitlam died today. The important difference between this event and his dismissal from the Prime Ministership in the Australian 1970's? There was no CIA involvement. I was a child in the 1970's. When I was old enough to ask, "What happened? How did that happen?" My elders told me they half expected at the time something like a civil war to break out. People were devastated, they were enraged, they were also electrified. The United States of America, to put it bluntly, includes Australia as a remote colony, an outpost. When Gough Whitlam threatened Pine Gap the CIA had to get involved. Pine Gap, located in remote Australia, is a key asset to United States air and space superiority. Many Australians are excited to be part of an Imperial power structure. Many powerful Australians are over the moon at the opportunity to be included in US games of global domination. Whether conspiracy, madness or just weakness, many Australians were quite happy for the US to take
Read more

Onlookers

I'm having a bit of trouble with social media because I keep wanting to tell people to die of cancer. This is because I want many, many Australians to die of cancer. Today. Painfully. While I watch. Well, I wouldn't be strictly watching because my eyes would be rolled back into my head as I experienced an hour-long orgasm as hate left my system in a crippling wave of ecstasy. The next AFP top cop says this wave of terror is like no other and he's right: the terrorists are all born Australian know nothings, the type who love to hate an outsider because it's the perfect crime. Look at me defending my family, I am a good person and it is merely coincidence that I get to indulge my worst urges. I want to come on their faces. I have urges too. And you're right, it's not sexual, it's about establishing dominance. I am so afraid of these people that I'm a mess of power fantasies. I get it. The idea is to hit the nation like a log until it's split int
Read more