bedlam updates

 Got my nose re-pierced, it was over in a second, but the tears poured from my eyes. The pain was truly special. Anyway, I’m cool again now. The one thing that was missing from my life is back. People thought an ALP government would make Australia good again, but no, the pain will go on and on. There’s the pain of continued suffering and the pain of being told that they can’t fix everything at once, which means they never will, which means everything will get worse, forever. Hope is for people who are trying to live their lives, hope is not for governments. When you spend your hope on those arseholes your throw your life away. I got my nose pierced again, because I racked my brain about why I stopped wearing silver in various parts of my head and all I came up with was that at some point I believed I had become an adult. How pretentious. But also, how shockingly normal. People don’t progress according to some sort of timeline and society doesn’t progress at all. Do what you want ...

Why don’t you have a sook mate? Have a sook champ, you’ve earned it by being alive during a time of change. I think you should have a big sook because you are experiencing a thing that is new to you. I am so sorry that society is slightly different, no one should ever have to go through that. Social change is hard work, you have to talk to people on a level, but you can’t spend all your time trying to keep fuckheads sweet. And also it’s weird, because sometimes it’s hard to know what people are even complaining about. Like, are you really mad that there seem to be more types of people now? Are you actually offended by the existence of all the people who aren’t exactly you? Because if I went outside and everyone was me, I’d leave the suburbs and go live somewhere real. The suburbs are not a real place. Anywhere you are not constantly on foot and bumping into other people who are also walking is dogshit. I grew up in the suburbs and because I was an outcast I would wander the streets on ...

 Barry Humphries has died. The circle of life is complete as a million opinions bloom, however only two of them matter. He was a transphobe. That matters. That’s the truth. We know it’s the truth because he went to the trouble of saying it out loud. The other opinion is more of a question and it shows us that in the hands of a true punisher, even a question can be wrong. “Can we stop pretending he was funny?” The tryhard energy is so debilitating, it’s like Kryptonite for people who actually like people. I only mention this at all because I have a question of my own: are comedians the only people who are struck off the register if they do something bad? If a doctor is struck off the register, no one is saying, “And also, he wasn’t a real doctor.” Okay, this is a bad example, let’s move on, you judgemental bastards. The day of my Nanna’s funeral was very warm, and I said, “It’s a lot hotter where she’s going.” She used to lock my dad in a cupboard, an experience so traumatising that...

 Meet the “elite” couples breeding to save mankind. Watch them fucking in their ten million dollar New York apartments. You have hacked into their home security. Your off site operator talks to you through an ear piece as the helicopter lands on the roof. “They’re still going at it.” As you enter the stairwell you ask for audio. “Oh, oh put the future in me baby.” You immediately ask for the audio to be muted. You have reached the servant’s entrance. No servants this is evening, it’s Trying For An Elite Family night. The elite couple have one wish and it’s to give birth to a dynasty, like on the show Dynasty. Night vision guides you through the darkened hallways of a home clearly decorated by massive tryhards. As you approach the rooting, you take pistol and UV light in hand. When you shoot these idiots you don’t want to miss any traces of come. You pause to think this is the third time in a week you’ve written the word come in a serious piece of hard-hitting political journalism. ...

Australia’s Most Controversial Senator steps out of the car and before she’s taken two steps a sexist, racist comment is lobbed at her by a bloke I saw at Bunnings the other day. Without breaking stride the senator pulls a Desert Eagle pistol from her left shoulder holster and pumps all 8 rounds into his skull. One of the bloke’s loser mates, who I saw smoking outside a pokies and talking about real estate, pipes up with a comment that this is just typical and that the senator is not fit to serve the public. The senator pauses as if to say something, but instead loads a fresh clip and shoots both of his arms off at the elbow. “Try clutching your pearls now, cunt.” The senator’s comment angers a fellow I saw buying VB when there was better beer on sale cheaper at the bottle shop. He starts to say, “With language like that-” but his lower jaw is simply removed with five well placed shots. While the senator reloads, another guy has time to open his cakehole to ask a quick question about w...

I read an article about Autism and then I read some of the comments and then I stopped reading the comments and now I’m writing this to regain my sanity. So many punishers. No matter what point they’re trying to make, they’re punishing as hard as possible. As always the offended that people are offended crowd are represented by the sexiest people of 2023, White Men Over 60. Then there’s the milennials, who in the most punishing way possible want everyone to feel included at all times.  What was I thinking? I know people who comment are a class of punishers we must always  ignore. Name one social issue commenters have managed to land a glove on. They don’t have one success under their belt because Commenting can only cause an argument to mutate until you could swear people who are weirdly comfortable with being named after a nazi child murderer are…offended? I mean, sure, Asperger wasn’t a nazi who murdered children, he just helped nazis to murder children. So who are we to jud...

Today my laptop made me read a story about rich Australians who fly around in chartered jets so they can travel with their companion animals. I already don’t take take pet owners seriously and if that bothers you, get an animal about it, but if there is an animal with a visible anus on your bed, you go against God.  I was angry about the way the article matter of factly described the insane lifestyles of Australia’s most wretched parasites, but then I realised something. It was that inclusion in a story about private jets of the bit about rich folk paying tens of thousands of dollars to travel with their pets. On the surface that’s maybe a story about sad losers who can afford things, but in there is a simple message: kill the rich. Kill all of them. Drag them by their hair and saw their heads off in front of their cloned identical twin labradoodles. Make their pets watch, make their children watch, make their neighbours watch, then kill their neighbours, unless it’s one of those d...