The Exciting Apple Vision Pro

Apple has an embarrassing new product that over-affluent parents are desperate to get their hands on. It’s a headset for looking at videos, that you control with your eyeballs! It’s also goggles you wear to watch the videos you made while it was on your head earlier- before the divorce- and it takes you back to those precious moments? Because the same thing is on your head? Imagine being reminded that you lost your kids because you were a too cashed up nerd, every time you look at a video of your children. Who don’t love you anymore.

I joke, because I irrationally hate, but a Youtube guy who tried out this gadget was seriously excited about collecting memories with his child. Yes, bro, they grow up so fast, so strap a shame thing onto your face and gather up all those images of your child becoming increasingly alienated from you because the only part of your face they can see is your weird smile. Your strange techno smile. Your disturbing, self satisfied shitty lips. Your weird fucked mouth that is constantly making shapes about how electronic devices are bringing the future to life, in real time, now, here, while your children are trying to play, and be children, and be your child, but you are following them around like a cyborg creep fuck asshole.

I’m not sure I’m genuinely this angry at the Apple Vision Pro, which is a very expensive toy for huge fucking assholes, who I do sort of hate, if I’m honest. Okay, hate is such a strong word. Everything they represent? I hate that? In fact this is my core argument against nearly everybody and almost everything? I hate what you represent. Hate hate hate. Hate hate hate hate hate. Hate. Fucking fucking hate hate.

ON THE OTHER HAND it could be that Apple have done their research and discovered that the real market for people who want to be divorced from their surroundings is not gigantic. If you want some space you can look at your phone. If you want to more thoroughly immerse yourself in a world beyond imagination you can pop in some headphones. Voila! No one can talk to you unless they are a gigantic asshole, in which case you control reality itself by simply not looking at the asshole until they go away. Or if you are amazing about money you can pay 5000 Australian dollars to be the gigantic asshole.

I was looking for any youtube content that was skeptical about these goggles for watching movies that don’t have enough battery life to watch a whole movie, while you’re being mugged, but the only thing I found was an alt-right weirdo who reckons this product will usher in a terrifying age of surveillance. We live in that right now, champ, and let me tell you, even the people who would be watching you aren’t watching you, because you’re so off the pace. Mate, if you’re going to defend civilisation from woke superspies you might want to try keeping up. Meanwhile, I haven’t found anyone on Youtube who isn’t weeping with joy that rich people will soon be able to fast forward to the good bits by looking at an icon. And yes, the good bits are the references to earlier movies that are also terrible.

I have a dream, and it’s an obvious one, that some rich youtube loser who got rich by having the most basic opinions imaginable, will be all couched up with his Apple Vision Pro on his head and an earthquake will kill him and the rest of California, even though I have dear friends who live there. If you meet me I’m actually a nice person, so if everything you represent makes me want to vomit bullets into your face, maybe you want to think about what parts of the market you’re ignoring.

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