Bliggity Blog
How confusing. I spend most days trying to make sense of the world, sometimes I even look at mainstream news despite it being owned by the 1%. You have to read between the lines. Protesters clash with police? That means cops attacked people without warning.
In Hong Kong there is a massive sit-in occurring, made more massive since cops teargassed and pepper-sprayed citizens just before warning them. I think that's the correct order of events. I do know cops' usual order of business when presented with protesters is to treat those people like scum who must be crushed.
Cops see themselves as the defenders of order. When protesters hit the streets cops tend to freak out because they are presented with a threat to their monopoly. Not all individual cops are like this, but it's a good generalisation. I've seen cops, under the cover of being the true and only defenders of democracy, violently assaulting women in a very obvious display of Crusaderitis. They honestly believe what they are doing is the lesser of two evils, they have to, because the self righteousness required to sexually assault women on a public street in the daytime would be unsustainable otherwise.
I'm confused. I hate cops, I really do, they are scum, but not all of them. Not all of them are roided out crusaders. I see that many of them are good people, but what they do to anyone who dissents is fucking fucked up. I can barely get out of bed most days because the assaults I've witnessed and experienced have damaged me. The moment I wake I hate everyone and everything. I start every day under the crushing weight of what I know about the world. But eventually I get out of bed to face the fact that my friends think I'm being over dramatic.
I shouldn't have to push so hard, so a little while ago I backed out of activism to get my life together. Because of what I've seen, how bad it is, I feel guilt all the time, I feel guilty that I've retreated to lick my wounds. I feel like a piece of shit for not being out in the streets at least making videos of what's happening, but I have completely the wrong attitude to be involved. I've become hardened and when I hear people talking in bullshit middle class jargon and inspirational quotes I want to kick them in the face.
My approach has been to be as open as I can without being Oprah about it. I will recover, because I am going to take as much time as it takes. The struggle is not going to go away and the people I've worked with have continued to stage very effective actions without me. Taking a step back, I'm probably going through a healthy phase of re-evaluation and when I am up to it I'll have a better perspective.
When I went along to Occupy Melbourne to interview people for my Youtube channel I had no idea I would be drawn into activism where police violence is the norm. I didn't know I'd get myself arrested many times, be viciously assaulted, what I'm saying is I want a fucking medal, cunts. Fuck humility.
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