A Huge Penis


A huge penis has appeared in Clifton Hill and it's not me. What an auspicious sign. This same week as if proving that magic is real I had an idea that wasn't yet another can of worms. Yes, I had a practical thought. Off the back of this massive brainwave I made my way to one of those places that specialises in products aimed at people who are blessed with an eye for a bargain and no taste whatsoever.

The psychic energy of the place groaned under the weight of crappy products made by weeping Chinese teenagers. I mean, I assume so, I try to live in my head precisely to avoid feeling the misery of people I'd like to assist in some way, but can't, because the Left are too paralysed by anger at dick jokes to actually help people struggling with problems a bit more pressing than being made to feel uncomfortable.

Seriously guys, I am fucking obsessed with the notion that the cliched earnestness of some radicals when it comes to demanding that spaces be made "safe" for touchy fuckers is killing our hope for the future. Anyway. I purchased a garbage object that mounts my phone camera where it can bear witness to my genius as I drive around ranting about how fucked every fucked thing is fucking I am having trouble resolving this sentence. I mean really, you're going to be uncomfortable so learn to deal with it. I blame the concept of Equality, which is nothing like the need for Liberation. Striving for Liberation creates badasses, yearning for Equality creates people who list shopping as a hobby. I will kill you all.

Well this is getting exhausting isn't it? I've started a new video series "Comedian Driving Around with no mates". It's me chatting with Melbourne's best comics as long as they're me. I probably won't be inviting any of my pals along for the ride because all I would do is interrupt them. And anyway, who wants to watch comics jerking each other off? Other comics, which is so sad.



If you're thinking I am stealing Jerry Seinfeld's idea I'd like to take the opportunity to point out this is the first time he's had an idea, so good for him discovering his creativity after all these years of playing the cliched suburban fuck who has inspired a generation of soulless comics who actually watched Letterman on purpose.

Oh god I hate! This is going to be fun.  
    

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