Crucifixionmas
Mother had recently abandoned us for England and we were under the roof of our insanely angry father. It was ever so early on Christmas morning and we woke and tore into our presents. Only later that morning our Dad discovered us and was outraged at our behavior.
An insanely angry father will make you black out in terror and completely forget why you were doing whatever it was that has given him his latest reason to rip into you. It is only now at age 45 it occurs to me that we opened our gifts because we assumed anything good and in front of us could be taken away.
We woke that morning well used to having to try fend for ourselves. Mum had warmed us up for the ultimate abandonment by leaving us alone in our depressing foodless flat for long stretches of day and night. My brother would make sandwiches out of pepper and tomato sauce, we had sores and bruises from malnutrition and undernutrition.
We continued to behave strangely under Dad's roof in strict accordance to having been abandoned and this drove dad wild. He smoked a lot of pot and our every move was seen as an attempt to fuck with him, the paranoid cunt, so now not only were we terrified of abandonment, we were terrified of a father who terrorised us because he found us, in our fear, contemptible.
This is year 2 of having nothing to do with dad. He has no recollection of his behavior and seems to believe my breaks from reality and depression and now my ongoing activism are an "act" I'm putting on to annoy him.
My father was a spoiled brat who unlike myself grew up in the same stable neighborhood that was denied me. In his mind he is the heroic single father who missed out on so much just to raise us. There's a lot of truth to that but he broke his children in half with his blindness and insanity. Both him and Mum refuse to talk about the past and so I refuse to to talk to them until they ask for my forgiveness.
And I think that's fair.
An insanely angry father will make you black out in terror and completely forget why you were doing whatever it was that has given him his latest reason to rip into you. It is only now at age 45 it occurs to me that we opened our gifts because we assumed anything good and in front of us could be taken away.
We woke that morning well used to having to try fend for ourselves. Mum had warmed us up for the ultimate abandonment by leaving us alone in our depressing foodless flat for long stretches of day and night. My brother would make sandwiches out of pepper and tomato sauce, we had sores and bruises from malnutrition and undernutrition.
We continued to behave strangely under Dad's roof in strict accordance to having been abandoned and this drove dad wild. He smoked a lot of pot and our every move was seen as an attempt to fuck with him, the paranoid cunt, so now not only were we terrified of abandonment, we were terrified of a father who terrorised us because he found us, in our fear, contemptible.
This is year 2 of having nothing to do with dad. He has no recollection of his behavior and seems to believe my breaks from reality and depression and now my ongoing activism are an "act" I'm putting on to annoy him.
My father was a spoiled brat who unlike myself grew up in the same stable neighborhood that was denied me. In his mind he is the heroic single father who missed out on so much just to raise us. There's a lot of truth to that but he broke his children in half with his blindness and insanity. Both him and Mum refuse to talk about the past and so I refuse to to talk to them until they ask for my forgiveness.
And I think that's fair.
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