Fuck, Dude

I am listening to Morbid Angel’s Altars of Madness. 

The other week the doctors told me I have diabetes, which is awesome, because I thought I had cancer. And diabetes just means I have to ease up on sugar and sugar’s for kids anyway. And you might think I’m being flippant or glib or blase, or immature, or in denial, but diabetes? Is that all? I’m not saying I deserve more, but can I humbly suggest I’ve put the work in over the decades? I’ve had a bottle, can or glass in one or both of my hands at every social situation I’ve ever been to. I’ve lost count of the panic attacks I’ve had walking into a people event and trying to look like I’m not sprinting toward the bar for the debilitating assistance of boozcohol. 

There’s a lot of shit I wouldn’t have done if I didn’t drink so much, however I wouldn’t have drinked so much if I had known I was autistic and I wouldn’t have been autistic if it wasn’t for those goddamned vaccines! Just joking, I won’t hear a word against vaccine programs, unless they’re the fake one the CIA ran in Pakistan to find Osama Bin Laden. Don’t look that up, you’ll stop believing in miracles. 

Ok, so the CIA ran a fake vaccine program in Pakistan and the result was a drop in actual vaccinations because no one trusts an American dog. An American pigfucking dog. If I was American I would walk into a school and shoot loads of children to stop America happening. Let’s salute the real heroes here folks.

Like, if you find Osama Bin Laden, riddle him with bullets and dump his body in the ocean, did any of that actually happen? Why did you find him if you were going to immediately destroy the evidence? The answer to these questions is I don’t care, like I don’t care who did 9/11, I simply thank them for a job well done.

Maintaining my hatred of the USA is no effort on my part, they’re doing all the heavy lifting. I don’t hate Americans- those are just people- unless they’re being American. And being Australian is a great start for proper America-hating. A few years ago I did a live show, at three festivals in three states, called Death to America, and no one batted an eyelid because everyone thought I was “joking”. Trying to get a revolution going in this country is exhausting. All that unpaid emotional labour and still I don’t feel seen, or like people are following my orders.

Jesus Christ, I just accidentally looked at some of my viewer numbers. It’s an old bad habit from when those numbers were a) huge and b) lots of those numbers were Americans who thought I was some kind of freeze peach libertarian. I am misunderstood, people aren’t following my explicit instructions or my coded messages, but I’m happy, because I only have diabetes after a a lifetime of drinking to survive the blistering hot takes of normies. After 9/11 a mate was all supportive of an invasion of Afghanistan. I asked him why, since there was no logical reason to do so? He said, “We have to DO something!” 

That same friend also once told me to, “Just be myself” which confused the fucking shit out of me. Go invade another country and keep your black magic words away from me, you freaks.