Are You A Cop?

I'm not saying most people are cops. Only roughly a billion times has a person in my life said such cop shit that I've wanted to go back to bed and sleep for nine years.

What are some cop things to say? Here's one. “We have to do something!?” A mate said this to me after 9/11, explaining why it was fine to attack Afganistan, despite it being the wrong country and also you shouldn't invade countries. “We have to do something.” You fear stillness and quiet and waiting to do things properly because you are a cop, sergeant. Eat another donut.

Another person I quietly avoid now, in defense of the war on terror, said “we need social order”.

I remember feeling the word “we” was not right, because now there was no we. We need social order. 

Collect your badge and your gun, you're a cop.

Here's a classic. “We live in a beautiful country, be grateful”. This is what Australian natural born cops say to anyone who mentions the fact we live on stolen land.

A weird thing about cops is they are massively into covering up crimes. Fail to treat a cop like a hero and he will brutally assault you, commit genocide and he'll suck you right off. He will empty your balls so hard your eyes fall back into your brain.

Here's one. “We need to protect our way of life”. This is fairly ultimate cop talk. “We” need to what now? Jealously guard our beautiful copness? Our cop life? How cop are you that you think we've got anything anyone wants? You want people to assimilate but there's nothing here. A flag isn't a way of life. A donut is your way of life.

Here's one. “If you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing to hide.” Do you know what I do with people like this? I hide from them. What complete cops.

Another one. “If you don't love it, leave.” Kids who take their bat and ball and go home grow up to become cops who say shit like this. And every cop is way too in love with their national identity, which is always just a flag and grownups getting teary about fairytales.

Another one. “I work with the police a lot and-” and now you're a cop.

Another one. “I'm married to a cop and” and now you're a cop.

Another one. “If your house was burgled who would you call?” I'd call you because you're a cop. Have another donut, donut.