Fucking cereal cafe

Melbourne's first cereal cafe is opening and I hope a madman enters and hacks everyone to death. Unless I've got it wrong and it's a serial cafe where each visit ends on a cliffhanger and you have to come back the following week to see what happens next. Melbourne is full of hipster scum who deserve to die and on some days I'm one of them. I want to open a cafe called Grumpy Owner where I bitch to the enthralled customers about Melbourne's proliferation of precious fuckwits into nonsensical shit. They go forever so it would be a sustainable business so 5 fucking eco stars to fucking me.

Oh god I hate. A cereal cafe? This is what happens when you tell young people they can be whatever they want to be. You know what young people want to be? Eating fucking cereal. What the fuck do you talk about in a cereal cafe? Or do you watch cartoons and fight over the remote control. In your pyjamas. You total sperm balloons.

I will kill you all. That's another idea for a business. It's an app and when you are walking along Smith St Collingwood reading a fucking Penguin as if there aren't suffering indigenous folks sitting right there it suddenly occurs to you that "I am a piece of shit" and you access your app, which summons me and I look into your eyes searching for anything real, find nothing and cave your skull in with a brick.

Of course a madman won't work his way through the line at cereal cafe, methodically removing hands from paperbacks and faces from facial expressions you only see on consumers of bullshit. Why? Madmen are not community minded. Even more upsetting, if you go near a line of waiting hipsters you also become a full blown wanker.

Well, gotta get on with my day. Don't drink plenty of water, turns out that's bullshit too.

Tickets to my "hilarious"comedy show







Comments

  1. JojoFebruary 5, 2015 at 2:47 AM

    Could Melbourne get any more peak fucked? The depths of shit-cuntery seem to have not been plumbed. I

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sean BedlamFebruary 5, 2015 at 6:16 PM

      I reckon it will get a lot worse before it gets much worse, after which it will get worse. The Worsening is upon us.

      Delete

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