Tickets Please!

The stupid fucking United States has military bases across the world and at home they are so marvellously super fucking stupid their two year old children shoot them with handguns in their own homes. Or even better while out shopping. The dumbest motherfuckers who ever lived have heavy weapons set up and ready to go in places no American can find on a map. I'm exaggerating slightly: there are 300 million Americans and the only ones who have ever looked at a map are the same prissy assholes who don't vaccinate their children and have a unicorn for a spirit animal.

The above paragraph is a free association exercise that will be rewritten over and over  until it says something like, "I love America and I cannot wait to go there and be a stand up comedian rock star. I will suck all 300 million of their dicks if necessary. Actually, are there any Americans in the audience?"


   

The United States of America is a place but it's also a way of life, the worst way of life imaginable. Their smart, sensitive, kind people are all in therapy or on anti-depressives because they can't work out why being compassionate hasn't resulted in a parade, a medal and a series of blowjobs. Their Fox News watching assholes are the worst people who ever lived for the simple reason that they are the only people in the US with any common sense in day to day matters, so they are actually giving the notion of being able to change a tire a bad name. Nothing about the USA isn't backwards and I hope they all die of measles.


Again, what we're seeing here is an early rough bunch of fun ideas that act as a kind of seed bed to get some good ideas growing, ideas like, "Seriously though, I went to America once and I was very impressed by everything I saw. I think I'll go back and give Hollywood a go. To get that process going, are there any Americans in the audience?"

What I've done there is refer to an earlier joke and what that does is create a sense of warm familiarity, sort of like seeing a Maccas on every corner, watching your own culture be swamped day by day until every school shooting makes you laugh black acid. Sort of like watching billboards for US war propaganda going up everywhere and wondering why no one is vandalising those and realising the reason is we live in occupied territory which is no less than we deserve because our ancestors invaded this land and it is a burial ground. If that made you think of the American movie Poltergeist please kill yourself and I will do the same for ripping off a Bill Hicks joke.



Anyway, come to our little stand up comedy show for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival for the simple reason that it will be imbued with the soft light of the kind of humility you only get from being a citizen of a cursed nation under the feces infused mince meat fist of the people who deserved Pearl Harbour and 9/11.

Til next time guys! 

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