Guys, what if we hid from the Sun?

 

Solar geoengineering is technology that doesn’t exist. It’s like a meme you shouldn’t look up unless you want to be sad and looking out at the horizon, trying to feel something again. Scientists are begging for research into solar geoengineering to be made illegal because it involves partially blotting out the sun. Yes. Darkening the sky to slow down global warming. Sure. Lowering temperatures by hindering the passage of the sun’s rays through the atmosphere. Friends, I feel you, you’re right, anyone advocating this shite should be run through with the sad end of a beach umbrella. Like a cocktail garnish.

Scientists want this madness aborted, partly,  but massively because there is no planetary justice system to control the use and abuse of the technology. It could be used by idiots*. It could be applied willy nilly across the planet, backfire and tear whole nations apart. It could be used as a weapon by people** who don’t know how to aim it. Anyone suggesting we give it a go should be dragged around by a large impatient person tightly clutching their upper arm until the end of time.

*Americans.

**Also Americans.

Technology is great. Right now, Americans* are talking about employing robots to patrol their borders.

*Americans.

Even if solar geoengineering was a known quantity there would be no way to apply it fairly. Even if anyone had the faintest clue what drawing a veil across the sky would do to the weather, the world’s ruling bodies are in no shape to lay down the law. However we only have many extremely recent examples of promising technologies that ran out of control, so it’s impossible to make the case that this obviously nightmarish climate solution might be a problem. Christ. Anyone suggesting we still try it anyway should be shaved and made to eat all their different types of head and body hair.

Last night I heated up a supermarket pizza. There was a strange smell, but I was hungry and I put my back into as I cut the pizza into slices, heroically chopping right through the layer of cardboard I had failed to remove from underneath. Earlier that same day I went out on a paddleboard and forgot to both apply sunscreen and wear a hat and got properly sunburned. Sunstroke would explain my inability to think properly about why cutting a pizza felt amazingly difficult, but I think we can agree it was the Sun’s fault. Let’s kill the Sun so I can eat pizza properly. It’s the only way.

Really though, if I was a French person who burns cop cars- so an average French person- I would have an  answer to this madness. Yes, on it’s face the burning of cop cars would seem to add to carbon emissions, but if you can think of a way to get the people in charge to pay attention, I’m all ears. I feel like we need to start sending a lot of smoke signals to the people in power. This is the counterintuitive brilliance of burning things that people paid for with our taxes. And it doesn't involve complex and expensive technology.