Good One

 Last night I’m part of the audience at a comedy show and the guy next to me has some things he likes to do when he’s watching live comedy and while I’m sure they work for him, for me it was like living next to a building site, or a fucking arsehole. Most people laugh at jokes, this guy likes to say, “Oh, that’s a good one.” Thanks for your stamp of approval you wild shit smeared animal. Or maybe it was, “That’s good”? My memory of the event is all over the place because instead of experiencing peaceful enjoyment of comedy, I was at peak tension thanks to Mr Happy, who spreads joy by providing distractions from everything that is good. A couple of nights earlier I wasn’t hearing punchlines because a dude next to me was bellowing with laughter at the set-ups of jokes. That’s a real appreciator of comedy. Some people like the funny part of the joke. Those people are children. Real men spray an entire pint of beer out of their mouth upon contact with the bit where the comic has only just started talking.


Oh That’s Good Guy also liked to check his phone. He held it down at his waist, where it glowed like a star, burning a hole through my struggling brain. Was he was checking up on his kids? Imagine this fucking spoon being your dad. Imagine having a dad who is one of those imaginary ridiculous dads they use to sell products on TV. I don’t believe those dads exist, all the dads I’ve ever met are shockingly earnest, carefully eliciting responses from their children like they’re as humanely as possible trying to get them to talk about a murder they witnessed at school. The arseholeman capped off his performance by getting up during the climax of the show and leaving. I politely made room for this super cheerful party pooper as he ruined the end of the show he ruined.


Then his three friends got up and left, filing past me and super-ruining the end of show that was ruined. In the States I’d walk out ot my car and come back into the building and murder loads of people who know how to behave. It’s not just their access to guns, it’s just an American thing to always completely destroy the wrong targets. Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, I won’t list them all, I’ve got a limited word count. What I’m saying is there’s never going to be a war with China, because why the fuck would China want to be a superpower, which is just someone who makes you watch their shitty movies to distract you from their habit of starting and losing wars?


Which is why I didn’t glass the cunt.

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