Elite Couples

 Meet the “elite” couples breeding to save mankind. Watch them fucking in their ten million dollar New York apartments. You have hacked into their home security. Your off site operator talks to you through an ear piece as the helicopter lands on the roof. “They’re still going at it.” As you enter the stairwell you ask for audio. “Oh, oh put the future in me baby.” You immediately ask for the audio to be muted. You have reached the servant’s entrance. No servants this is evening, it’s Trying For An Elite Family night.

The elite couple have one wish and it’s to give birth to a dynasty, like on the show Dynasty. Night vision guides you through the darkened hallways of a home clearly decorated by massive tryhards. As you approach the rooting, you take pistol and UV light in hand. When you shoot these idiots you don’t want to miss any traces of come. You pause to think this is the third time in a week you’ve written the word come in a serious piece of hard-hitting political journalism. You silently enter the room and briefly witness the horror of two insufferable nerds trying to make more of them. Your silenced weapon barks twice. A booking opens up at the local private school.

When I used to do standup, I would do political comedy, but the thing is you have to explain every single thing you’re saying. Like, you can’t get up and talk about rich fuckheads who are literally openly bragging about wanting to create a master race. It’s not that it’s too abstract, it’s just that no matter how simple a political or social justice issue seems to be, a large chunk of the audience has never heard of it.

After enough years of doing standup comedy, I limited myself to talking about having a job and having a boss, two things even the biggest airheads and bong smokers can agree are a real thing that’s happening. Mention a concept like Capitalism, even to people who are currently experiencing bad difficulties paying rent, and they will behave like you’ve drifted off into the realms of conspiracy. Try talking about refugees and they’ll tense up because a) they haven’t been paying any attention to the news, so b) they have no idea if it’s their fault or not.

Interestingly, comics who go on about “free speech” never seem to want to talk about how hard it is to talk to an audience about anything real. Free speech freaks want free speech to say all the free speech, but that seems to be where it ends. They don’t seem too worried that it’s very hard to be funny about all the horrible shit in the world. They do seem terribly concerned that someone is going to stop them saying horrible shit. I’m not suggesting that saying horrible shit that isn’t really about anything doesn’t change the world, it’s clearly getting worse all the time. Free speech does work, you are all geniuses for saying bad things that are pointless. Every day our lives become more shit and you will have more and more shit to say that isn’t about the actual shit. Brilliant.

I realize mopping up all the come won’t be enough so I incinerate the dead bodies of the rich and masturbate onto the ashes while I imagine blowing up a private school.