Punishers

 Punishers

I was watching a movie about serious issues and one of the artistic touches to effortlessly draw you into the story was very simple, it was just people chewing food while they decided what they would say next. It’s really clever, because nothing brings my thought process to a standstill and turns my grey matter to dust like the professionally recorded sound of what’s happening on the other side of an eating person’s face. I think I can hear their sinuses.

I was doing my breathing exercises to get through these scenes, because just stopping the movie wouldn’t have been enough. I really needed to trigger the ejector seat and feel my skull punching through the ceiling. So often I’m watching a film made by some punisher who has been in a lot of screaming matches about whether it’s art to give the audience what they want. Unable to free their mind from argument about what’s theoretically possible in the realm of expression, they hand over completed work that include traces of E.coli.

In the end the movie was okay, but only in the way that it was about something that matters. How good would it be if the people who want to draw our attention to issues weren’t punishers? But it’s so rarely the way that bringers of light and awareness are actually competent at what they do. N.W.A said, “I’m expressin’ with my full capabilities”, not, “Here’s any old bullshit, but it’s about something, so.”

Some absolute dropkicks love to say that anyone can be an artist, but the truth is just that there so many ways to be bad at art. Dance like nobody’s watching? No, get some lessons and learn to take orders you lumbering egomaniac attention hog. Dance like I’m watching and I’m super disappointed by what I’m seeing. Dance like I’m crying and it’s all your fault.

There’s a Russian film called Hard To Be A God that is four hours of pure punishment and is probably also a masterpiece. The thing about being punished is it only feels good afterwards, when you’re telling everyone that you only had to hit pause thirty or forty times. Hard To Be A God is pretty much only people snuffling around in mud for what feels like an eternity. From the moment it starts, all you want to do is escape. You should watch it if you want to experience what it’s like for me to be subjected to Star Wars, Harry Potter, or anything else you aren’t allowed to talk to me about.

I once had a friendly argument with a standup comedy mate about giving the audience what you think they want, versus what you want to express. I didn’t feel like I won the argument and I think you can guess which one of us is making a lot of money. Not Mr Fuck The Audience over here.

I mean, I’m always grateful for an audience, but I’m in charge thanks. And my mate may be wrong according to me, but he’s also good at what he’s doing. The miracle of creativity is that you only have to focus on competence, not message. Let’s face it, you probably have no idea what you’re talking about anyway. No one else does, why would you? Go get some lessons and shut up.

Thanks, it’s been punishing.